Nine Steps to Forgiveness

How to Do It

To start, bring to mind a harm that was done to you that you would like to consider forgiving. Then do your best to complete the following steps:

1. Reflect on your experience. How do you feel about what happened? What about the situation is not OK? Answer these questions in your head as clearly as possible. Then, if you feel comfortable, tell one or two trusted people about your experience.
2. Make a commitment to yourself to work towards forgiveness. If it’s helpful,  remember that forgiveness is a way for you to feel better.
3. Understand that forgiveness does not mean trying to make up with the person who harmed you or excusing their actions. In forgiveness, you seek the inner peace and understanding that come from blaming other people less.
4. Try to shift your perspective on what happened. Notice that any distress in this moment is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical upset you are suffering now, which is not the same as the hurt you felt two minutes—or 10 years—ago.
5. When you feel upset about a past harm, try calming exercises to soothe your body’s stress response. This could mean taking deep breaths, taking a walk outside, or doing a mindfulness practice—do what works best for you.
6. Remember that while you can hope and work hard for health, love, friendship, and prosperity, some things—like other people’s feelings and actions—are not in your control. Insisting that things go exactly the way you want can cause you to suffer. Instead, it can help to remember that everyone experiences undeserved pain and loss.
7. Try not to dwell on the hurt you experienced. Redirect your energy into making positive changes in your life that will help you prioritize your own well-being.
8. Look for the love, beauty, and kindness around you. Try to appreciate what you have instead of thinking about what might feel lost. Focusing on your hurt will only give power to the forces behind your pain.
9. Remind yourself that you made the brave choice to forgive.