What\u2019s the secret to a long-lasting friendship? There are lots of things you can point to\u2014common interests, similar personalities, shared experiences. But there\u2019s one thing that no long-term friendship can ever be without:\u00a0boundaries.<\/p>\n
Just like a relationship with a romantic partner or a family member,\u00a0boundaries in friendship\u00a0generate mutual respect and empathy. Read on to learn more about how boundaries keep a friendship healthy and lasting.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
When you set a\u00a0boundary in a relationship, you are expressing to the other person what you need from them and how you need to be treated.1<\/span><\/p>\n Setting a boundary might involve telling the person if a certain action of theirs makes you uncomfortable, or if a specific topic of conversation is off-limits. You might also need to explain how you\u2019d like to be treated under certain circumstances, like if work is really busy or you\u2019re not feeling well.<\/p>\n A boundary does not control what another person will do, but it communicates what you will do if the boundary is not respected.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cFor example, \u2018Please do not call me after 9 p.m.\u2019 is not technically a boundary but a request. \u2018If you call after 9 p.m. I will not answer, and you will get a response when I am available\u2019 is a boundary. You choose how you will respond if the boundary is not kept, and know that if you do not respect people’s boundaries they might not allow ongoing access to them,\u201d adds Dr. Marschall.<\/p>\n It\u2019s also important to be aware and respectful of the other person\u2019s boundaries yourself. If someone is taking the trouble to outline what they need from you in terms of your behavior towards them or the way you speak to them, listen.<\/p>\n \u201cBoundaries are so important!\u201d says Dr. Marschall. \u201cThey are how we let people know what we need in order to be in a relationship with them. You are allowed to set boundaries around what you need in your relationship, and if you care for and respect someone, you will\u00a0honor the boundaries\u00a0they set for you. If you do not honor someone’s boundaries,\u201d Dr. Marschall advises, \u201cthey might not allow you to remain in their life.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I was having lunch with a friend a few months ago and we were talking about a mutual acquaintance we had both (separately) spent time with recently. I told my friend I had repeated something she’d said about this acquaintance to him because I thought what she said was funny and knew he would appreciate the joke. My friend laughed when I told her this, and we moved on.<\/p>\n However, after lunch, I received a text from my friend. She told me that it had actually made her really uncomfortable to know that I had repeated something she’d said to this other person without her permission. She asked me very plainly to not do this in the future, and to always ask her first before telling others about anything she has said.<\/p>\n I was horrified. I immediately understood my mistake and assured her this would never happen again. I also apologized and told her that she deserved to have a friend she could trust and that I recognized that I had violated her trust.<\/p>\n This is a prime example of how boundaries should work in a friendship. My friend (of nearly 15 years, by the way) was able to\u00a0speak up for herself\u00a0and express to me what she needed from me, and I was able to acknowledge how I had not respected those boundaries and the importance of doing so in the future.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n If this exchange had not occurred, this most certainly would have affected our friendship. My friend would have continued to feel as though I had hurt her, and I would have had no idea what I had done wrong, and therefore would not have been able to adjust my behavior in the future. Speaking up and reinforcing those boundaries was the best thing she could have done in this situation.<\/p>\n All this to say, setting boundaries will do wonders for your friendships. And eventually, this will become old hat\u2014you learn where your friends\u2019 boundaries are and they learn yours, and your relationship can continue with respect and empathy.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n My friend, who had a surgery scheduled, asked me a few weeks in advance if I would pick her up from the hospital afterward, and I agreed. However, a few days before the surgery, I had to make a difficult decision regarding my own health, which meant telling my friend that I might not be able to pick her up after all\u2014I didn\u2019t want to commit to helping her when I wasn\u2019t absolutely sure that I would be up to it on the day, therefore leaving her in the lurch.<\/p>\n I felt terrible for letting her down, but I had hoped that my friend, who had similar health issues, would understand that I needed to take care of myself during this time; but she didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n Instead, she launched an assault.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n She said I was selfish, told me I was a horrible person, and said that she would never forgive me, even though I apologized and tried to explain how hard this decision was for me. She called me multiple times to scream at me, to the point where I stopped taking her calls; after that came a barrage of vitriolic text messages until I eventually had to block her.<\/p>\n I would have understood if she had told me she was disappointed in me, and that I had made things more difficult for her because both of those things were true. But the fact that there was no consideration for my situation and the way I was feeling made it very clear that this friendship was not going to continue much further\u2014and it didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n I asked her to understand my position and what I needed at the time, even though it inconvenienced her, and she couldn\u2019t. Knowing that someone cannot respect your boundaries, especially when health is on the line, makes it difficult to continue being friends with that person.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you want your friendships to last, get used to setting boundaries and respecting the boundaries of others.<\/p>\n The easiest way to figure out your friend\u2019s boundaries is by asking questions. You can start with the basics, like:<\/p>\n If they have already brought up a certain specific need or request, you can ask questions to make sure you understand what they would like you to do. You can say:<\/p>\n When talking to your friends about your own boundaries, \u201cI statements\u201d are useful. You could say:<\/p>\n What\u2019s the best way to establish and maintain boundaries? \u201cCommunicate them!\u201d says Dr. Marschall. \u201cIf you feel comfortable, you might decide to give a reason for the boundary. In the previous example, that might look like, \u2018I go to bed early and that is why I am not available for calls in the evening.\u2019 That can help the recipient understand and remember the importance of the boundary, but you also have the right to keep that information private.\u201d<\/p>\n Lasting friendships are built on mutual respect and trust, and building that respect and trust comes down to setting and observing boundaries.1<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n When it comes to lasting friendships, boundaries are key. Knowing that your friend respects you and your needs, and that you respect them and theirs, lays the foundation for a relationship that can last.<\/p>\n Always be open to ways you can improve your friendship, and if something happens where you feel your boundaries are being ignored, speak up\u2014a true friend will understand and want to help.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" What\u2019s the secret to a long-lasting friendship? There are lots of things you can point to\u2014common interests, similar personalities, shared experiences. But there\u2019s one thing that no long-term friendship can ever be without:\u00a0boundaries. Just like a relationship with a romantic partner or a family member,\u00a0boundaries in friendship\u00a0generate mutual respect and empathy. Read on to learn<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6394,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[310],"tags":[609],"class_list":["post-6393","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-whats-trending","tag-deep-friendship","enable-dropcap","disable-2-columns"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nBoundaries in Action<\/span><\/h2>\n
What It Looks Like When Boundaries Are Not Respected<\/span><\/h2>\n
How to Respect Your Friends’ Boundaries and Have Them Respect Yours<\/span><\/h2>\n
\n
\n
\n
Final Thoughts<\/span><\/h2>\n