{"id":5445,"date":"2025-09-17T14:18:08","date_gmt":"2025-09-17T08:48:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ksrini.life\/29035f-co-nz\/journal\/?p=5445"},"modified":"2025-09-17T14:18:08","modified_gmt":"2025-09-17T08:48:08","slug":"making-peace-with-imperfection","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ksrini.life\/29035f-co-nz\/journal\/making-peace-with-imperfection\/5445\/","title":{"rendered":"Making peace with imperfection"},"content":{"rendered":"<div role=\"paragraph\">\u201cI can eat 200 grams of sweet potato, 4 ounces of ground turkey, and 90 grams of lettuce for lunch,\u201d I thought to myself. \u201cI have to run 2 miles after my workout to make up for that chocolate chip I ate yesterday, and I need to check my weight tomorrow to make sure I didn&#8217;t gain anything overnight.\u201d \u201cBrittany? Brittany! Any suggestions for troubleshooting your labmate&#8217;s experiment?\u201d My graduate school adviser was trying to get my attention during lab meeting\u2014but there I was again, meticulously planning meals and obsessing over exercise, oblivious to the eating disorder I had developed to cope with the stress and anxiety that accompanied my quest for perfection.<\/div>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"\" src=\"https:\/\/www.science.org\/cms\/10.1126\/science.366.6462.274\/asset\/cf26d3cc-46f5-45ee-b1d4-b25c56db5978\/assets\/graphic\/366_274_f1.jpeg\" width=\"402\" height=\"444\" \/><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<div role=\"paragraph\"><b>\u201cThere I was again, meticulously planning meals and obsessing over exercise.\u201d<\/b><\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\n<div role=\"paragraph\">It started 2 years into my Ph.D., after my comprehensive exam. I had always succeeded academically, aiming for a pedestal defined by others&#8217; standards. As I stepped in front of my exam committee, I was eager to dazzle. But I was told my hypothesis wasn&#8217;t valid. I was chastised for lack of creativity. My simplistic sketch of the Golgi drew derisive snickers. Even though I passed, I believed I was a failure.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div role=\"paragraph\">Suddenly, for the first time, I felt completely out of control. The result was debilitating stress and anxiety. Up to that point, I had never denied myself food, and I exercised for fun\u2014not out of obligation. But the Instagram fitness influencer craze lured me into thinking I could take back control of my life by perfecting my physique.<\/div>\n<div class=\"alert-signup__dropzone\">\n<div class=\"pb-las\">\n<div id=\"interstitial-content\">\n<form class=\"sans-serif news-article__newsletter bg-very-light-gray border-left border-thick border-primary pl-3 py-3 pr-2\" action=\"https:\/\/www.science.org\/doi\/10.1126\/science.366.6462.274#\">\n<div class=\"d-flex justify-content-between flex-column flex-sm-row\">\n<div class=\"d-flex justify-content-end mt-1x mt-sm-0\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/form>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div role=\"paragraph\">What began as a seemingly harmless \u201clifestyle change\u201d turned into orthorexia nervosa, an unhealthy obsession with supposedly healthy eating and exercise (but not body weight, in contrast to anorexia or bulimia). I spent my days using my research skills to methodically plan a restrictive diet complemented by a strict exercise routine. During lab meeting, instead of paying attention to the research being presented, my mind was fixated on the ideal ratio of carbs, fats, and protein. I spent more time weighing rice cakes and spinach than planning the experiments I needed to do to finish my manuscript. I often turned down social gatherings so that I could eat \u201csafe\u201d meals at home.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div role=\"paragraph\">I had gained a false sense of control and suppressed my emotions, but the underlying problems were still there\u2014and getting worse. Over 9 months, as my stress and anxiety increased, orthorexia developed into anorexia. I compulsively stepped on the scale multiple times a day and spat out food after chewing. I ate from the smallest dishes to give the illusion of a full plate and denied my audibly growling stomach the food it needed. I bruised from sitting in chairs and would black out upon standing. I couldn&#8217;t sleep, and I jeopardized my relationships. I became a walking skeleton.<\/div>\n<div role=\"paragraph\">My family and adviser asked whether I was OK and suggested time away from lab, but my disordered brain made excuses for how I was feeling and behaving. I honestly believed I was thriving.<\/div>\n<div role=\"paragraph\">It wasn&#8217;t until I stumbled across an article about disordered eating as a coping mechanism for mental health issues that I put a name to the problem. After 2 months of spiraling deeper into my disorder, thinking I could \u201cfix\u201d it on my own, I finally sought the help of a therapist.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div role=\"paragraph\">I learned that my eating disorder had nothing to do with food, exercise, or weight; instead, it was about my desire to be exceptional. Through weekly sessions, I unpacked 25 years of needing to be perfect. I learned tools to acknowledge and process my feelings, instead of numbing them with calorie restriction and intense workouts.<\/div>\n<div role=\"paragraph\">Still, in times of stress the disordered part of my brain desperately clung to food deprivation. Restoring my weight took more than a year, as well as the help of a dietitian. Gradually I redefined food and exercise as sustenance for body and mind, not tools for suppressing uncomfortable feelings.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div role=\"paragraph\">Now, a year and a half into my recovery, I am entering my final year of graduate school with a completely different mindset about the person I want\u2014rather than need\u2014to be. Yes, I still want to succeed. But I don&#8217;t want to be perfect.<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\u201cI can eat 200 grams of sweet potato, 4 ounces of ground turkey, and 90 grams of lettuce for lunch,\u201d I thought to myself. \u201cI have to run 2 miles after my workout to make up for that chocolate chip I ate yesterday, and I need to check my weight tomorrow to make sure I<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5446,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[311],"tags":[578],"class_list":["post-5445","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-research-insights","tag-wabi-sabi","enable-dropcap","disable-2-columns"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v24.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Making peace with imperfection - 29035f Journal<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/ksrini.life\/29035f-co-nz\/journal\/making-peace-with-imperfection\/5445\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Making peace with imperfection - 29035f Journal\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"\u201cI can eat 200 grams of sweet potato, 4 ounces of ground turkey, and 90 grams of lettuce for lunch,\u201d I thought to myself. \u201cI have to run 2 miles after my workout to make up for that chocolate chip I ate yesterday, and I need to check my weight tomorrow to make sure I\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/ksrini.life\/29035f-co-nz\/journal\/making-peace-with-imperfection\/5445\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"29035f Journal\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2025-09-17T08:48:08+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/ksrini.life\/29035f-co-nz\/journal\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/e51673fbaf2357ed406787e2c1cae814.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"800\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"29035f Journal\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@SosialThe\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@SosialThe\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"29035f Journal\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/ksrini.life\/29035f-co-nz\/journal\/making-peace-with-imperfection\/5445\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/ksrini.life\/29035f-co-nz\/journal\/making-peace-with-imperfection\/5445\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"29035f Journal\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/ksrini.life\/29035f-co-nz\/journal\/#\/schema\/person\/bf3ac55ccf9b7d92f2fbc85c76f3fbe0\"},\"headline\":\"Making peace with imperfection\",\"datePublished\":\"2025-09-17T08:48:08+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2025-09-17T08:48:08+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/ksrini.life\/29035f-co-nz\/journal\/making-peace-with-imperfection\/5445\/\"},\"wordCount\":708,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/ksrini.life\/29035f-co-nz\/journal\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/ksrini.life\/29035f-co-nz\/journal\/making-peace-with-imperfection\/5445\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/ksrini.life\/29035f-co-nz\/journal\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/e51673fbaf2357ed406787e2c1cae814.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Wabi Sabi\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Research Insights\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/ksrini.life\/29035f-co-nz\/journal\/making-peace-with-imperfection\/5445\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/ksrini.life\/29035f-co-nz\/journal\/making-peace-with-imperfection\/5445\/\",\"name\":\"Making peace with imperfection - 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