{"id":5426,"date":"2025-09-17T13:51:21","date_gmt":"2025-09-17T08:21:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ksrini.life\/29035f-co-nz\/journal\/?p=5426"},"modified":"2025-09-17T13:51:21","modified_gmt":"2025-09-17T08:21:21","slug":"asking-for-help-is-hard-but-people-want-to-help-more-than-we-realize-stanford-scholar-says","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ksrini.life\/29035f-co-nz\/journal\/asking-for-help-is-hard-but-people-want-to-help-more-than-we-realize-stanford-scholar-says\/5426\/","title":{"rendered":"Asking for help is hard, but people want to help more than we realize, Stanford scholar says"},"content":{"rendered":"
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We underestimate just how willing people want to assist others and how positive they feel about doing so.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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Asking for help is hard, but others want to help more than we often give them credit for, says Stanford social psychologist\u00a0Xuan Zhao<\/a>.<\/p>\n

We shy away from asking for help because we don\u2019t want to bother other people, assuming that our request will feel like an inconvenience to them. But oftentimes, the opposite is true: People want to make a difference in people\u2019s lives and they feel good \u2013 happy even \u2013 when they are able to help others, said Zhao.<\/p>\n

Here, Zhao discusses the research about how asking for help can lead to meaningful experiences and strengthen relationships with others \u2013 friends as well as strangers.<\/p>\n

Zhao is a research scientist at\u00a0Stanford SPARQ<\/a>, a research center in the Psychology Department that brings researchers and practitioners together to fight bias, reduce disparities, and drive culture change. Zhao\u2019s research focuses on helping people create better social interactions in person and online where they feel seen, heard, connected, and appreciated. Her research, recently\u00a0published<\/a>\u00a0in\u00a0Psychological Science<\/em>,\u00a0 suggests that people regularly underestimate others\u2019 willingness to help.<\/p>\n

This fall, Zhao will be co-teaching a two-session workshop\u00a0Science-Based Practices for a Flourishing Life<\/em><\/a>\u00a0through Stanford\u2019s well-being program for employees, BeWell.<\/p>\n

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Why is asking for help hard? For someone who finds it difficult to ask for help, what would you like them to know?<\/strong><\/p>\n

There are several common reasons why people struggle to ask for help. Some people may fear that asking for help would make them appear incompetent, weak, or inferior \u2013\u00a0recent research<\/a>\u00a0from Stanford doctoral student Kayla Good finds that children as young as seven can hold this belief. Some people are concerned about being rejected, which can be embarrassing and painful. Others may be concerned about burdening and inconveniencing others \u2013 a topic I recently explored.\u00a0 These concerns may feel more relevant in some contexts than others, but they are all very relatable and very human.<\/p>\n

The good news is those concerns are oftentimes exaggerated and mistaken.<\/p>\n

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What do people misunderstand about asking for help?<\/strong><\/p>\n

When people are in need of help, they are often caught up in their own concerns and worries and do not fully recognize the prosocial motivations of those around them who are ready to help. This can introduce a persistent difference between how help-seekers and potential helpers consider the same helping event. To test this idea, we conducted several experiments where people either directly interacted with each other to seek and offer help, or imagined or recalled such experiences in everyday life. We consistently observed that help-seekers underestimated how willing strangers \u2013 and even friends \u2013 would be to help them and how positive helpers would feel afterward, and overestimated how inconvenienced helpers would feel.<\/p>\n

These patterns are consistent with\u00a0work<\/a>\u00a0by Stanford psychologist\u00a0Dale Miller<\/a>\u00a0showing that when thinking about what motivates other people, we tend to apply a more pessimistic, self-interested view about human nature. After all, Western societies tend to value independence, so asking others to go out of their way to do something for us may seem wrong or selfish and may impose a somewhat negative experience on the helper.<\/p>\n

The truth is, most of us are deeply prosocial and want to make a positive difference in others\u2019 lives.\u00a0Work<\/a>\u00a0by Stanford psychologist\u00a0Jamil Zaki<\/a>\u00a0has shown that empathizing with and helping others in need seems to be an intuitive response, and\u00a0dozens of studies<\/a>, including my own, have found that people often feel happier after conducting acts of kindness. These findings extend\u00a0earlier research<\/a>\u00a0by Stanford Professor\u00a0Frank Flynn<\/a>\u00a0and colleagues suggesting that people tend to overestimate how likely their direct request for help would be rejected by others. Finally, other\u00a0research<\/a>\u00a0has even shown that seeking advice can even boost how competent the help-seeker is seen by the advice-giver.<\/p>\n

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Why is asking for help particularly important?\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

We love stories about spontaneous help, and that may explain why random acts of kindness go viral on social media. But\u00a0in reality<\/a>, the majority of help occurs only after a request has been made. It\u2019s often not because people don\u2019t want to help and must be pressed to do so. Quite the opposite, people want to help, but they can\u2019t help if they don\u2019t know someone is suffering or struggling, or what the other person needs and how to help effectively, or whether it is their place to help \u2013 perhaps they want to respect others\u2019 privacy or agency. A direct request can remove those uncertainties, such that asking for help enables kindness and unlocks opportunities for positive social connections. It can also create emotional closeness when you realize someone trusts you enough to share their vulnerabilities, and by working together toward a shared goal.<\/p>\n

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It feels like some requests for help may be harder to ask than others. What does research say about different types of help, and how can we use those insights to help us figure out how we should ask for help?<\/p>\n

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